Today, as it is only 10:05AM as I write this, I have eaten two small and very healthy, apple pie-flavored muffins. They were homemade by yours truly with ingredients like oat flour, Greek yogurt and you guessed it, apples. However, I tell My Fitness Pal every day what I have to eat and it usually yells at me to eat more protein or something to that effect.
Therefore, today I want to write about how I figuratively ate crow. The expression apparently originated in 1812 when an American soldier shot a crow out of the sky. A British soldier caught him, and despite complimenting him on his skill as a marksman, punished the American for killing the creature by making him eat the crow. It was apparently quite unpalatable (Atlanta Constitution article, 1888). Nowadays, the idiom of eating crow means to admit when you were wrong...and I have some things to admit to.
I started off my evening in Salt Lake City with two very good friends and my sister-in-law at a Tyler Ward concert (seriously, check him out on YouTube...he's fantastic). I expected an evening of light and easy fun. I joked about how cute the singer was. The whole time I ignored a situation with a friend that was just easier not to talk about or deal with.
Well, this amazing thing happened where Tyler's power supplies wouldn't work. It totally threw off his whole set but instead of postponing or cancelling the show, he rolled with the punches and decided to play acoustically. As a lot of Tyler's set depended on the power, he had some time to play around with. Somehow, he decided to bare his soul to us...and I am so glad he did. He talked about some regrets he had, some battles he had fought, and the power of God to help us get through such situations. He invited the crowd to reflect on themselves and their lives, and to determine if there was anything we needed to let go of. If we did, he asked that we get a pen and paper, that we write down that/those thing/s, and that we put it in a box just outside the venue. He promised he would burn them at his next show as a symbol of our letting those things go. Always game for such challenges, I pulled out a pad of Mickey Mouse stationery and my friend pulled out a pen. I first passed the supplies to my dear sister-in-law so that I could think for a minute. Then, I knew...I knew what I needed to let go of: hate, insecurities, and grudges. I filled out the paper and then decided to share with the crowd (side note: it was a really cool experience to pass out a pad with almost 100 pieces of paper and see the remaining 3 pages on a table at the end of the night).
As I held that paper in my hand and listened to Tyler and the crowd sing, I anxiously waited to drop it in the box at the end of the night. That's when I realized how much I had weighing on me. The way I saw it, I had three major problems outside of the normal stresses of life (e.g. school, work, household/church/social responsibilities).
1. I had made my sweet and wonderful husband feel insecure by talking about Tyler Ward.
2. I was holding on to a lot of grudges, and not taking accountability to make things better.
3. I was shutting out a friend because he had made me feel betrayed, insecure, and vulnerable.
So, let's address things one at a time as too much crow at once could kill a girl. First, my awesome and amazing husband... I have this problem and I honestly think a lot of women do where when we see a very handsome man, we comment on it...no matter who's around. Irresponsibly, I had made my husband feel jealous of this person I was going to see perform. Fangirls (and fanboys, sometimes) say a lot of things about the unattainable celebrity and everything they love about them...when the truth is, we don't know that person at all. I will tell you that Tyler Ward was not the cookie cutter musician type I had him pegged for. He has admirable story and an inspiring testimony of the Lord. He is far more than some flippy hair and the ability to play the guitar. For him and the world to know, I love my husband more than words can describe. Every love song I have ever heard somehow reminds me of him...and the best ones could have been written about us. I was wrong to discuss another man, even a somewhat celebrity, in a way that made my husband feel insecure...because the truth is, at the end of the night, the only person's cuteness that I care about is my husband's. He is the only man that I want forever. He is the only man that I want period, in all honesty. So girls, please don't make the mistake I did...make sure your husbands/boyfriends know they always come first, when it comes to your heart or anything else for that matter.
Okay, one helping of crow down and two more to go. So let's talk about my second of all... It's no secret that I've faced a lot of disappointment and regret in my life. Who hasn't? However, I made the mistake of even temporarily letting those things and those events define me. You know what else I've had a lot of in my life? Happiness. Love. Acceptance. Forgiveness. It's time to focus on the brighter things....because I'd rather be able to blame my behavior on my optimistic heart than my pessimistic brain. I mean, just think about how different the outcome would be. We all live with insecurities. They will sometimes rear their ugly heads...but I won't let that define me anymore. I am not my insecurities. I am the strength that I gained from overcoming them...and so are you.
This last serving of crow seems to be the most raw. I had a friend, who shall remain nameless, that had what essentially amounted to a hate file about me. When I saw it on his computer and read it, it broke my heart. I could feel the metaphorical knife slipping in to my back. Then, to make matters worse, he lied to me about it in that really obvious way that you know there's no way what that person is saying could be true. Then, to top it all off, he attempted to place the blame on my husband. While none of that was okay, and it really wasn't, neither was my reaction. As quickly as you can meet someone, I cut him out of my life without even allowing him to explain himself. It was a deleted Facebook friendship, an order to not speak to me or my husband, and hours of venting later that I recognized what I was feeling...it was the bubbles of the poison that is hate beginning to intoxicate me. Rather than recognize my wrongdoing, I decided to shut down instead. It's far easier to be a shoulder for your best friend and husband to cry on if you don't allow yourself to feel anything (yes, it is possible...easy even...it's turning everything back on that is the most painful and the most difficult). It's far easier to go to class and to work if you pretend it doesn't bother you that you were feeling like your spleen just got ripped out. Then, my husband texted me a message: Proverbs 17:17. It says, in a more updated form of speaking: "A friend is loving at all times, and becomes a brother in times of trouble." While my friend should have addressed his concerns out of love instead of hiding them for whatever reason....while he shouldn't have lied....while he should have taken accountability instead of playing the blame game....I ran. In times of trouble, when I was meant to become his sister, I ran because I was hurt. I was scared. I was more protective over my other friend/his wife, and my husband. I left him alone, and without love. This...this act of returned betrayal...coming from me, the girl who spouts off random quotes all the time like "Friends are the family you get to choose." I made it my motto and I abandoned myself to hide.
Today, I let that go. When Tyler burns that slip of paper I dropped into a box, it will really only be a symbol for what I have already let go. I ate my crow...I admitted my wrong. Now, I focus on a brighter tomorrow and making things better. I decide what defines me, and I choose words like love and family, not insecurity and betrayal.
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