What No Child Left Behind Should Really Mean

James A. Baldwin once said, "It is certain, in any case, that ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have."

I have lived a large part of my life coming to understand this quote as an undeniable truth. It is now finally time to share my story and do the best that I can to alleviate some of the ignorance that leads to an overwhelming problem and injustice in today's society. To be honest, I am ashamed of myself for not writing this sooner. I think I was scared of what evil lies and backlash may be said about me in response. I was somehow afraid the people I am about to write about could somehow still hurt me. I do not write what I am about to share for attention, sympathy, or revenge. I write it so that those silenced can have a voice, so that the issue at hand can be heard, and so the people who read it can maybe have some needed information to make a change. Injustice is a problem for so many groups in today's world, but the group I choose to speak for in this post is children.

Children are among the very few people that are allowed to be innocent in this world. While that is lovely and magical for the most part, there are those sinister enough to take advantage of a child's innocence. There are those who would mistake a child's innocence for not having a valuable opinion. There are those who would willingly sacrifice the best interests of a child for selfish purposes, simply because the child can do nothing about it. What's truly horrifying is when one of those people who would do such terrible things...is the parent of that child. Unfortunately, this is something that I have encountered more than once in my lifetime.

My story begins with my biological father. He was a man who physically abused my mother, even while she was pregnant with me. My mother did all she could to protect us from him, and never said a bad word about him because she believed he was a good father, even if he hadn't been a good husband. I didn't see my father very often in the early years of my life, and don't have very many solid memories of him until I was about 10 years old. From there, I remember a dizzying array of courtroom battles in which my father did everything he could to avoid providing my mother with child support. My mother went without so I wouldn't have to, while he bought new homes and went on expensive cruise vacations. The worst came when my father's brother-in-law sexually harassed me. My father knew about this but lied in court to protect this young man who had violated my innocence. Because of my father's decision, I rarely spoke to him and never under good terms again. I was then 14, and we saw less and less child support payments until they eventually just stopped altogether. I talked to court mediators directly and indirectly over all the years, even as a teenager with sometimes too many opinions. They ignored me when I said I didn't want to visit him, forcing visitation rights on me. They ignored me when I said he wasn't helping to support me, never even altering the amount he was supposed to provide, let alone holding him accountable for all he hadn't done in the past. They ignored me when I said I had been sexually harassed in his home, and still expected me to go back. I had to burn a lot of bridges and do a lot of bad things in order to make it so my father never wanted me to return, and I never had to go back. My mother fought for me all those years, doing her best to protect and provide for her child. She was the only one who ever held my father accountable. His new wife, despite being a mother herself, was all too happy to indulge on money that should have gone to her husband's child. The justice system served only the dead beat dad, leaving the mother and child to fend for ourselves. Sadly, my story with being failed by the justice system and father figures didn't end there. My mother eventually re-married, and at the time we had no clue that the blows he would deal my family would make what my father did look like nothing.

Mark Bosch seemed like the guy who was everyone's friend. He was a surfer boy from Southern California, and seemed like an overgrown kid most of the time. He and my mother had two beautiful children, my siblings Kiera and Noah. Mark came into my life when I was about 10. I didn't really like him but that wasn't necessarily because of him. It was more due to resentment of any father figure due to my biological father, and because I didn't want to share my mom. We butted heads frequently because Mark went from being someone with no responsibilities to instantly having to be responsible for a very opinionated pre-teen. Kiera was born when I was 12, and Noah was born when I was 14. I don't know if Mark was a person who just couldn't handle responsibility or if something in him just snapped, but he grew to be a very cruel and vindictive person. His favorite victims were my small brother Noah, his niece who lived with us, and myself. Still, he treated anybody who didn't agree with him as if they were beneath him. I watched him make his mother cry and actually laugh at her in response. I watched him lose the respect of his father, who unfortunately died ashamed of the man Mark had become. I watched him call his niece every degrading thing a woman can be called, let alone a young girl. I watched him only refer to my brother as Norah, and make him feel like he wasn't a good boy because he liked things that Mark didn't. Noah often had full-out red handprints on his skin hours after a negative interaction with Mark. Mark often plotted against me, sometimes putting months of preparation into plans to cause fights between my mother and I. He called me every name in the book, and worse. He once chased me down the stairs, and when I fell over, he ripped my pants off of me as I struggled to crawl away in his furious attempt to hurt me. He was physically and verbally abusive to everyone in our house. Kiera usually avoided direct abuse, but I would never say she wasn't hurt by him too. She was a Daddy's girl, but that unfortunately became her own private hell as she watched her daddy torture everyone she loved and then expect and encourage her to hate them. No preschooler should be taught about hate and vindictive behavior. No toddler should have to try to understand why his father doesn't approve of him or why he would hit him over doing nothing wrong.

(These pictures appear to reflect a happy family. In reality, we were miserable so often. These pictures were taken among our worst times. See beyond the public masks.)
[TOP (LEFT TO RIGHT): Theresa, my mother Tonya, Mark, Noah, myself, and Kiera]
[BOTTOM (LEFT TO RIGHT): Myself, Mark, Theresa, Frankie, a church elder, Linda, Tonya, and Kiera]

We all suffered in silence a lot of the time because nobody wanted to believe that Mark was capable of the things he did at first. Mark was very good at putting on the nice guy mask. When people got closer to us and Mark would eventually let his guard down just enough to go off in front of an audience, those people would try to help my mom in her attempts to fix things and then eventually leave him. At first, we tried different versions of family and individual counseling. Mark refused to change, never taking accountability and only placing blame on anyone and everyone...his mother, his mother-in-law, my mother, and any or all of us children.  Counselors finally stopped trying to heal our broken family, and instead helped my mother to find a way out. We finally were able to flee after my mom got a job in another location in which she knew she could support us on her own. She knew Mark wouldn't help financially once we were gone, and she was right. Over those years of living in that house, I can't tell you how many mediators, police officers, and counselors came into our lives. Somehow, Mark was the only one who got away unscathed.

My mom has spent all of her years as a mother giving all she had to her children and then more, when their fathers didn't come through. The most basic part of our suffering was facing financial hardship over all the years, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Kiera, Noah, his niece Theresa, and I all needed intensive therapy. Kiera and Noah basically have different degrees of post-traumatic stress disorder. I suffered from depression and anxiety, and still struggle sometimes with the latter. I did some pretty horrible things in my teenage years as a means of escape, and/or finding love in all the wrong places. His niece Theresa contemplated suicide, but instead took a much darker turn and continued the cycle of dark behavior. She accused many different people, even family members, of sexually abusing her when in fact they did nothing. She would always let it get further and further each time, as she played her dangerous game. The first time, she let the police be called. The second, she allowed a restraining order to be filed and served. The third, she let get all the way to the court room lobby before admitting she had cried wolf once again. This last time, she let it go all the way through a trial. Luckily, the truth came out and an innocent man wasn't convicted as a sex offender for no reason whatsoever. Theresa then somehow became gullible enough to accept Mark's bribery to work against my mother who only ever tried to help her and rescue her from a very dangerous path. Theresa and Mark concocted a plan that involved saying that the children had been abused by the last person that Theresa tried to pull her usual stunts on. This involved CPS conducting an investigation that temporarily separated my siblings from my mom which was a horrible ordeal for all of them. Kiera also had to receive a medical evaluation that was invasive and led to her being traumatized by almost any medical treatment she receives to this day. When this plan backfired, they viciously and vindictively arranged for my siblings to have to leave their beloved schools. My mother was in the process of finding in-district housing when the school district was notified by Theresa on Mark's behalf that the children were currently living out of district. They were forced to leave their classes in the middle of the year and attend a new school that neither of them enjoyed. Mark's mother Linda also fell into the cycle and has somehow been brainwashed into Mark's twisted blaming of my mother. She now actually helps him in his offenses against my mother and siblings...her own grandchildren. With all of the pain that Theresa and Linda have helped to inflict on Kiera and Noah, it is hard for me to remember that they too were victims of a man I truly consider to be evil. Understand here, I have summed up about 23 years of abuse and miscarriages of the justice system in a few short paragraphs. Even still, I am not done with the story.

In the last two years alone, Mark went from paying little and infrequently to nothing at all. He and his new wife (again, a mother...which is truly disgusting to me) have enjoyed money that should have gone toward the bare necessities of my siblings. They vacation, eat out regularly, and even treated themselves to an extra beautiful wedding complete with centerpieces that alone cost hundreds of dollars. They joked and bragged about this on social media for all to see. Mark manipulated his medical insurance to make Noah suffer through a period of croup without needed medication, despite Kiera calling and begging him to help while in tears. He did this as an attack on my mother, knowing that she would find a way to help him...not caring that his own son was a casualty. His mother and him have each sent incredibly manipulative and/or vindictive cards, letters, and gifts. The one time he did see the children in this time frame included so much manipulation and game playing that they have decided they never again want to see him. This was an especially difficult decision for Kiera. She refuses to use her last name wherever possible because she is so ashamed of her father. For example, her cheer team received team jackets. Hers was the only one to have a first name. Actually, both Kiera and Noah have made the decision to shed Mark's name as soon as legally possible because they do not even want to be associated with him to that extent. I truly understand this decision as I deleted my father's name legally at the first chance I had...my eighteenth birthday.

(Kiera refusing to wear the name of her father. She is on the far left, as pictured with her teammates).

Kiera, Noah, and I have been lucky enough to have a wonderful mother who did and does do her very best for us. Still, the invisible scars left on us by our fathers and the people who stood by and did nothing and/or assisted to some degree in our neglect and abuse will never go away. Yet, each time my mother has attempted to get justice not even for herself but on behalf of her children, the only people the court has inevitably catered to is the deadbeat dads and the atrocious accomplices surrounding them. I am not saying that these mediators, counselors, witnesses, and so on were all intentionally causing us harm. I don't believe that. I'm saying that the system itself in many states, including California, New York, and Washington,  is so flawed in its approach to negotiating children's rights and child support that it is too often the mothers and children that get screwed while the so-called fathers get away with hiding in the cracks. Washington's practices concerning this part of the law are so disgustingly difficult that Mark has been able to hide behind them for all these years, 12 to be exact. California helped my father get away with what he did for twenty four years as the standard is for child support to be provided throughout all years of education, including those spent at a university in the early stages of adulthood. That is the problem though. There is no standard that is actually followed. Any precedent is ignored. Instead, the overwhelmed justice systems of each state do what they do best...and that is whatever is easiest so that they can move on down the never-ending pile of cases. Unfortunately, what is easiest is to allow mothers to suffer for the sake of their children, children's innocence to be taken advantage of and their opinions and even pleas to be ignored, and fathers to get away with zero accountability and zero responsibility.

(Despite our fathers, we kids turned out pretty great. Other children are not so lucky.)
[TOP (LEFT TO RIGHT): Noah, myself, and Kiera]
[BOTTOM: Kiera and Noah]

I am calling for a federal standard concerning child abuse, including verbal abuse, and child support regulations. There needs to be a simplified and streamlined process that actually serves the mothers who work too hard and the children who try to learn to get by. The system needs to be made so that it holds accountable every father for the safety and necessities of their children, no matter what state they live in. How can we expect any child to understand the principle of accountability when too many adults find a way to take the easy way out? Furthermore, we must not allow for children to be abused in any form, behind closed doors or not. If we witness, we must report. If we know something, we must do something about it. As adults well-seasoned in the wrongs of this world, it is our duty to protect the children in it. A child's innocence should be preserved for as long as possible. Children should not suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, and worse. No parent should be allowed to verbally or physically abuse their child, and certainly not without consequence. However, what good can reporting do if the system has more cracks to slip through than solid ground to stand on? While each citizen of this Earth has a responsibility to stand up for the children they interact with, the system itself must be saved and redeemed into something that actually will work the way it is meant to. The spirit of the laws protecting children can not be fulfilled if the letter of the law is over-complicated, too varied from state to state, and not specifically and plainly laid out. No child left behind should mean no child goes through what my siblings and I did, or worse, and then becomes further victimized when they seek help from the justice system meant to protect them.

Frederick Douglass once said, "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Help build strong children that can heal from the scars of those broken men. How? Report child neglect and abuse of any degree or type. Do not participate in it by any means. If you were victimized by people or by the system, seek help rather than allowing yourself to be caught in destructive cycles and harming those children you could love and fight for instead. Sign my petition for a national system to ensure child support is doled fairly and child abuse is prevented and/or heavily prosecuted (https://www.change.org/p/what-no-child-left-behind-should-really-mean?recruiter=38928071&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink).

Thank you for reading my story, and the story of my siblings. Please share. Please act.

The End and the Beginning

It is time to move on to making this blog what I really want it to be. Therefore, today I intend to finish the remaining prompts on the 30 Day Challenge that turned into a 30 Prompt Challenge because of...well, life. Life and all its unexpected turns, needed extra work, and both ugly and  beautiful distractions.

-Remaining Prompt #1: Five Words or Phrases That Make Me Laugh:
1. "Dobby did not mean to kill; only maim or seriously injure."- said in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
2. "Bitch can see."- said in Pretty Little Liars
3. "Don't you have enough books?"- said by anyone to me (because it is such a silly question)
4. "Hi. I'm Tate. I'm dead. Wanna hook up?"- said in American Horror Story (BONUS: The words Infantata or Croatoan from the same source when said in certain tones by my hilarious husband.)
5. "Cyanide?...As if we'd run out."- said in The Addams Family

-Remaining Prompt #2: Something I'm Currently Worried About
There is so much to be worried about right now: the current state of the presidential election, whether or not I will get into or do well in police academy, possible apocalyptic futures, bills and more bills...but I suppose what is worrying me most overall is time, or the lack there of it. Will I have time to see all the places and things I want to in this great, big world? Will I have time to have children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren? Will there ever be enough time to read all the amazing works of literature, view all the glorious (and not so glorious) films, or make a positive impact on this planet? Will there ever be enough time in a day, a month, a decade, or evem a lifetime? All I can hope for is that there is enough time for a fair share of everything. Even still, the topic of worry ends up getting us nowhere. Worry less; pray more...because at least the praying is productive.

-Remaining Prompt #3: Things I Like and Dislike About Myself
I like that I am feisty. I don't like that I can be quicktempered. I like that I can get lost in a book. I don't like that I sometimes unfairly compare my reality to expertly crafted fiction. I like that I am smart. I don't like when I sound like a know-it-all. Honestly, I could go on and on. However, I am happy to say that I generally and genuinenly like myself, all oddities and imperfections included. If at the end of the day, I can say I'm doing a little better than I was  yesterday, then great.

-Remaining Prompt #4: A Quote I Try to Live By
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." I try to live by this quote, because I do believe in the beauty of my dreams. I believe in doing things simply because they make me happy. I believe I have a purpose here on this Earth, and that I know what it is. I dream of having multiple successful ventures: justice and law enforcement, becoming a mother, and even capturing others' precious moments with a camera and a vision. I believe in using my talents, big or small, to help myself and others create a more beautiful future. The future, or at least my future, really does belong to me and that makes it my responsibility to determine. I choose to determine by dreams and faith, rather than by paychecks or societal norms.


-Remaining Prompt #5: Somewhere I'd Like to Visit or Move to
There are so many places I would like to visit or re-visit: Boston, New York, the Bahamas, Greece, Rome, England, Germany...I truly do have a wanderer's heart. Still, there is one special place I would like to visit and that is Ireland. My husband and I are both very fond of our Irish roots, and dreamily discuss retiring to the snake-free and green land. We would love nothing more than a quiet cottage in Ireland with lots of land for lots of dogs.

-Remaining Prompt #6: Five Weird Things I Like
1. I like the taste of dill pickles and animal crackers together.
2. I like when horror and comedy mix genres, like on the show Scream Queens or American Horror Story.
3. I like the smell of old books and gasoline, but never together.
4. I like to study true crime, even the really gruesome stuff.
5. I like to discover new paranormal takes on things like vampires and witches... the more original, the better.

-Remaining Prompt #7: One Thing I'm Excited For
I am excited for the holidays! This will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas with my side of the family and my husband in YEARS. I am excited for all the traditions, both old and new. I am excited to see what Pittsburgh has to offer this time of year. I am excited to cook for everyone, buy presents, and decorate together. With that expressed, I wish you all a happy Halloween and bid you goodnight.

What I Miss

What I miss are the types of things all people miss: childhood memories, lost loved ones, and places long ago visited. I miss rollerblading around Victory Park with my mom, cooking holiday meals in my great grandmother's amazingly tiny kitchen, and playing outside with the neighborhood kids. I miss the people who were once my best friends, and now only a memory or an occasional email conversation. I miss reading books I love for the very first time, like the Harry Potter series or even Nancy Drew. I miss anxiously awaiting the arrival of my younger siblings, and wondering what they would be like. I miss the experience of falling in love. I miss my childhood days, my high school days, and my college days. I miss thinking I knew everything, and I also miss the first time I realized I didn't. I miss all of the amazing moments that I have had in my life, and every milestone along the way, that I would go back to if given the opportunity to travel through time. I miss all the things those people who are wiser and older than me told me I would.

The question remains though: What can be done by missing someone, something or somewhere? If we're lucky, the answer is that we are inspired to do something about it. If you miss someone, reach out to them. If you miss a place, go there. Fall in love again (if you're married, you can get creative with your spouse and engage in some cutesy courtship...don't feel left out). Remember to live in each moment, because you will probably miss it later. Do it all again and again- there is no expiration date, no maximum or minimum usage, and no restrictions which apply. No, not when it comes to life and all the moments that it consists of.

My Academics

Socrates once said, "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." It is true that the more I learn, the more I realize there will always be more to learn. Still, my academics are very important to me, and always have been. When I was a child in elementary school, I prided myself on Good Citizenship, Excellent Attendance, and Academic Achievement awards. I apparently even played teacher with the other neighborhood kids, doling out report cards to their parents. In elementary school, I also started playing the flute, something I associate with my academics because I think music should be forever linked with schooling. I have always loved to read, and was known for consuming whole books in a day as I read in my great grandmother's backyard. My favorite series were "A Series of Unfortunate Events", "Harry Potter", "Goosebumps", and the Nancy Drew mysteries.

The teenage years for me were this mad dash to get as many accomplishments in as possible. I maintained a high GPA, volunteered and performed hours of charity work, participated and held leadership roles in Speech and Debate/Swimming/Teens Against Tobacco Use/Students Against Destructive Decisions/etc., made sure to get certifications in everything like CPR and First Aid, and took my stab at journalism as a writer for the school paper. During this time, I became the youngest person in Washington to create a School Walk for Diabetes event for the American Diabetes Association. In the end, I graduated with Honors, a scholarship, and an acceptance to Brigham Young University-Idaho. I also was listed as a National High School Scholar.

I spent one semester at BYU-I before I took two years off to help in the care of my siblings when my mother became a traveling nurse. I use the phrase "two years off" lightly, because they were a productive two years. I got married, homeschooled my siblings, and learned a lot of life skills like bill paying, business call making, and both money and time budgeting. I came back to BYU-I in 2013 and studied according to a major of Sociology with emphases in Home and Family Studies, Psychology, and Criminology. I had the opportunity to take amazing classes, have inspiring professors, and learn so much! This July, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree and a certificate in Criminology.. In my time at BYU-I, I  served in various leadership roles including BYU-I Sociology Society President (working my way through Treasurer, Activities Coordinator, and VP first) and Student Director of Safety. I also worked with the Parking Appeals Committee and the Academic Advising Center.

While my formal education may be done for now, I plan to attend the police academy soon. I am currently studying and honing skills in photography. I study the scriptures on a regular basis. I'm even learning all there is to know about cheerleading as I am helping coach my sister's squad. I love to have debates with my friends, and learn more and more about politics (this is prevalent now in this election year.). I am not done learning, and I never will be, any more than I am done loving or living. Hopefully, neither are any of you reading this.

As Nelson Mandela said, "a good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination."

What I Hope My Future is Like

I've seen my goals in life achieved and my dreams come true: getting a baby sister and then a baby brother, high school graduation, fancy  prom night, seeing New York City, a wonderful wedding, a great marriage, a puppy of our own and so much more. Now, in about a month, I will graduate from my university. Therefore, what I hope my future is like is based on my goals and dreams, and my faith that they will come to be.  

I hope I always consider myself to be best friends with my husband. 

I hope we have children that grow up healthy and strong, intelligent and kind...

I hope we have lots of dogs and cats and ferretts. Pets galore! 

I hope we have a beautiful home, all customized to our tastes. 

I hope we travel, especially to London, Ireland and Germany. 

I hope we both find careers in the fields that we love and remain happy in them for years.

I hope we go to Disney World, school reunions, and out camping.

I hope we make many lifelong friends, and keep those we have now.

I hope we only continue to grow closer with our family.

I hope we never have to live a moment without the other. 

I hope for so many wonderful things, and I know some too.

I know we will be together forever through all eternity. I know I will get to meet God and Jesus Christ someday. I know, no matter what, there will be laughter and tears and love aplenty throughout our lives. 

I hope I never stop appreciating everything, loving fully, and finding ways to be kind in an unkind world. 

I hope. I love. I dream.... And I know that will never change. 

My Fears

I have the same fears a lot of people do, for the most part. I'm afraid of being alone in life, of the dark after watching a scary movie, of things that can eat and/or kill me, of being the victim of a crime, of death even though I know I shouldn't be, and so on. There are things we all fear but hopefully that fear becomes a motivation to truly live.

There is one fear I have though that I will admit has crossed the line into ridiculous, and that is because it is an irrational fear. In other words, according to the psychological definitions, I have a phobia. It is what is known as a specific phobia, and mine is about snakes. I am truly terrified of snakes. I put a toilet lock in my bathroom after watching the Facebook video that went around of snakes coming out of the toilet. If I have a nightmare about snakes, my husband has to check the entire house to convince me there's not one hiding to get me. If I see a picture or a video or even hear a snake-like sound, I could have a panic attack but at the very least, I am startled and have a bodily reaction similar to the beginning stages of fight or flight. I avoid whole sections of zoos, pet stores, and even the outdoors. Some of my favorite books and movies, like the Harry Potter series for example, have scenes that need to be watched or read through my fingers covering my face...if they're not skipped entirely. I have a very hard time walking alone at night because I can see a twig that m brain tells me is a snake...and the next thing you know I'm running my fastest mile ever. You would really be surprised how much the nasty little buggers show up: on Facebook, in movie trailers when I go to the theater, on billboards, on every TV show ever eventually, etc. If I do have a phobic attack, my nervous system initiates my fight, flight, or freeze response. This is draining and exhausting to my body and leaves me with general anxiety for hours afterward.

About a year ago, I had a horrible nightmare about my phobia. I was hiking with my future children (don't ask me how I know they were my future children...that's just what my brain told me). We come across a large rattle snake ahead on the path. I turn and run, leaving my children behind and at the mercy of a poisonous, lethal animal. When I woke up, I was more bothered by my phobia than ever. How could I, even subconsciously/unconsciously allow a fear to control me and even overpower my maternal instincts? How could I leave any child, but especially my children, in despair? I finally decided to get help. That was when I started exposure therapy, which is a progressive process of confronting your fear. I started out with things like saying the word "snake" over and over until it sounded like nonsense. Yes, I was to the point of being afraid of the word, and would become terrified when people discussed the subject to any degree. Now, I am to the point of watching movies that have snakes and making myself watch. I also make myself look at snakes in the zoo and pet stores, so long as they are in a cage and separated from me. I am so grateful for the progress I have been able to make, to my husband/friends/family for being so supportive and understanding, and to my amazing therapist. My school provides free therapy for students, and I will forever be thankful for this wonderful service. The best part of my therapy was actually during our first session. He said, "How wonderful is it that God gave you that dream so you could change before your children even get here?" Since then, I have had a good perspective about that dream and conquering my phobia overall. While I am not completely cured, I know I will be. I will never want a snake as a pet. I will always have a healthy fear of snakes, as they are lethal. I will not, however, leave my children or anyone I love because I am afraid. I will not be prevented from living my life the way I want to. I will take my siblings to zoos. I will go to the pet store with my husband without cutting off the circulation in his hand as we pass the terrariums. I will not let my fear control me.

Of course, this is all very personal so why am I sharing it on my very visible blog? For two reasons. One, if you have a phobia, I want you to know that you can beat it. Yes, it will be terrifying. Yes, the therapeutic process is really hard....but you can do it, and it will be worth it. Two, if you know and love someone with a phobia, try very hard to be supportive and not belittling. I can't tell you how small I have felt when people tell me my phobia is stupid, that I just need to grow up, or that I'm a wimp. I can't tell you how angry it makes me when a "friend" chooses to terrify me by texting me a picture of a snake, making snake sounds through my open window, or even trying to force me to touch a snake in person by inhibiting my control of my body. This is not okay behavior. You are causing more emotional damage, and even physical damage, than you realize. Even if you don't understand, try to learn or at least to be supportive. Phobias and mental illnesses in general are real and really do impact one's life, even if you can't see them. Please don't make your loved one's problem worse. If you wouldn't tell them their cancer is stupid, don't tell them their phobia is. If you wouldn't expect them to just get over a gunshot wound, don't expect them to just get over their depression. If you wouldn't punch their broken arm, don't shove the source of their anxiety in their face. If you would do any of that...I'll pray for you because you clearly need prison and probably involuntary commitment.

The answer is simple. If you understand, great! Even if you don't, be kind. That's all it takes to go from twisting the knife in their wound to helping them heal.

Five Things I Lust After

5. Chocolate- there are just some days where only a Herhsey bar will do the trick. Now, I'm no Anna or Elsa but I do get some crazy chocolate cravings every once in a while. My two favorite chocolate treats are Ritter butter biscuit with milk chocolate (German like me 😀) and Hershey's Symphony. I love milk and dark chocolate but am not a huge fan of white chocolate. Oh, also once a month (you know when), I firmly believe there are dementors in me that can only be staved off by c-h-o-c-o-l-a-t-e.

4. Other Foods- I love food from all kinds of cultures and styles. My favorite food is green bean casserole. My favorite type of food is probably a tie between Italian, Mexican and Chinese. I love everything from cheap, nostaglic foods like PB&J sandwiches to fancy delights like fondue.

3. Movies/Board Games/Books- If I can find it at Barnes and Noble, most of the time I want it. I love to read and get lost in a good story; I love the classic fun of board games with your friends and family especially when it's double fun like during a blackout; Finally, sometimes there is nothing that beats curling up on the couch to watch a really great movie. I love all kinds of books from all kinds of different authors and genres. It's very hard to pick a favorite book...I love so many. The enduring favorite has been the Harry Potter series, though. My favorite board game changes a lot, depending on my mood and what we've been playing lately. My current favorite is Curses; my enduring favorite is Scattergories. My favorite movie is pretty hard to pin down too, but I usually say one of my top 5: The Boondock Saints, The Princess Bride, Avengers, The Little Mermaid, or Titanic (in no particular order and prone to substitution).

2. All things Nerdy- Harry Potter scarves and replica wands? City of Bones temporary rune tattoos and collector's editions? Hunger Games pajamas and Mockingjay jewelry? Star Wars sheets and his/her hand towels? Disney EVERYTHING? Gotta have 'em. I love all things nerdy from the original creations as far as books or movies, to gatherings like Comic Con, to all the amazing gear and novelty items, to the opportunity to visit scenes straight from the pages or the film strips.

1. TIME- More time for family. More time for crafts. More time to read. More time to serve. As much as I love sleep, I wish I didn't need it. There are always too many things to do and not enough hours in the day. However, with each day we try harder, I know God blesses us in ways we will never understand and not according to a 24-hour-cycle.

A Problem That I Have Had

I try really hard not to air my dirty laundry on the internet so I'm going to try to be funny about a problem I have had. We'll see how that goes!

So here goes. I have a serious...book problem. I love to read, even though I never have time to (well, for fun anyway). I read every time I can, and love curling up on the couch or in my bed with a good book and a cup of tea. I claim allegiance to no particular genre or author. I do have my favorites, like Young Adult Fiction/True Crime or Catherine Coulter/Jim Butcher, but I try to never say no lest I miss the best book of my life in some unexpected section of the library or bookstore. Speaking of bookstores, you know how some women joke to not let them near shoes with their credit card? Don't let me near Barnes&Noble, or any bookstore for that matter. I've already gathered quite the selection in my collection (hey, that rhymed!) but there will never be a number that is too many books to own. I even prefer audiobooks to the radio in the car, especially on long drives. I have a never-ending list called "Books to Read" and several related Pinterest boards. Every Facebook post ever mocking bookworms has applied to me, word for word. I even get slightly agitated when people claim to be a fan of Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Divergent, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Gone With the Wind (or any title ever, really) based simply on watching the movie/s. You are no true fan until you see that material in its true form: the book. I do love when people write books based on movies or TV shows, too. Not to be a hypocrite, I refuse to see a movie based on a book until I read the book. I'm quite the sucker for all merchandise related to my favorite books. If Parker wouldn't stop me every once in a while, we'd  look like hoarders. I could  go on and on, but that could make this blog post a book in itself.

So, instead, I will close with a polite no thank you to your suggestions for seeking help, such as self-medicating with Netflix. You see, if I have to have a "problem" with anything, I'd like for it to be books. What other "problem" makes you smarter, takes you to other worlds without the cost of airfare or the discovery of time/space travel, AND helps you find the soul of so many "characters" and the lessons therein all the time? I not only have my friends and my family...I've got my fandoms.

And she lived happily ever after in a home ever smelling of books, THE END.

Something That I'm Proud Of

Wow, it has been such a long time since I found the time to blog! Let's just say college can get crazy busy, especially in your senior year. I decided it was time for a little "me" time though and thus I chose to complete a writing challenge. As is made totally obvious by the title, this blog post is supposed to focus on something I'm proud of. That's really hard. I am proud of so many things. First off, let me specify that when I say proud, I don't mean in the nasty sense of pride that gets in the way of love, serving others, etc. I mean, I'm proud of things and people in a way that means I admire them for what they do and are, that I respect them fully, and celebrate their success.

 That being said, I am proud of my friends for their many accomplishments both personally and for their families, I am proud of my godchildren for just being them, I am proud of my siblings for being so smart and so talented and so many other wonderful things, I am proud of my mom for her diligence and other things too of course, I am proud of my country and those who serve it everyday. I am proud of those in my life who have had the strength to endure their trials and who chose to be better instead of bitter, I am proud of my family in general because despite being a bit nutty, they are my family and I love them.I am proud of my favorite musicians, artists, authors, directors, actors and so on for inspiring me and the masses alike. I am proud of my husband for almost being done with college, for improving his talent in art, and for being a good man. I am proud of my religion for doing all the service it does and instilling so much faith in the world. I am proud of my Heavenly Father, and would never deny Him as I have in the past. I am proud of my dog for knowing basic commands, a ton of tricks and for being so dang smart.

See? That's a lot to choose from. However, since it's St. Patrick's Day this week and since I am on this self-love journey...I also want to say I am proud of me. I am proud to be Irish in all senses of the word, but I am also proud of my overall heritage and family history. It may not be perfect but whose is? Still, I know I wouldn't trade my background because it's made me who I am. I am proud to be a Gallegher and a Nelson. I am proud to have a strong sense of justice, and a desire to serve whatever community I may live in as a law enforcement officer. I am proud to be a Mormon. I am proud to be a wife. I am proud to be a friend, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, or whatever I am to you because it means that I am something to you and I get to be in your life. I am proud to be loud, which I guess speaks back to my Portuguese heritage and crazy family. I am proud to value my intelligence, how I can serve others, and my self-worth. I am proud to be a nerd, a lover of Harry Potter and the like. I am proud to identify with such strong female leads in almost every story I read. I am proud to be me and you should be proud to be you. Being proud of yourself, at least in my eyes, doesn't mean being prideful. It means recognizing who you are in the eyes of God, seeing yourself as a light and being comfortable in your own, imperfect skin. It means seeing all of that and loving yourself so that you have the capability to love and serve those around you.

"Today, you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" That's definitely the truth, Dr. Seuss. Honestly, I'm glad it is because the world would be a lot less bright if anyone reading this blog post didn't provide their "you" to it. Be you, be proud of it, and then save the world. No biggie.

Something I Always Think "What If" About

""What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life." That quote is from a very good movie, called "Letters to Juliet." It has always stayed with me as a powerful testament to the truth of regrets and missed opportunities. I have never been immune to these words plaguing my inner most thoughts and dreams. What if I don't make it? What if he doesn't love me? What if I hadn't done that awful thing once upon a horrible time? Above all, something I always think "what if" about is a sort of inception. I think and wonder: what if I live my whole life and in the end only can say what if? I want to live a life where every opportunity is explored, where no rock has been left unturned, where I understand that every mistake is a part of who I am for good and bad. Another favorite movie quote will sum up my meaning best. "I don't believe in mistakes. It's the mistakes that make us who we are." That one is from "This Means War." All in all, do I sometimes fall victim to those haunting words? Yes. Do I intend to have a haunted life because of them? No. Trust in God. Trust in love. Trust that every past horror has made you stronger and every future worry will be okay in one way or another...then and only then can you be free from the stripping powers of "what if".

Writing Challenge: My Zodiac and If I Think It Fits Me

My zodiac sign is an Aquarius, and it is symbolized by the water bearer. I know that Aquarius people are supposed to be smart and fiery. That's honestly about all I knew off the top of my head so I did some research, which was actually really interesting. Apparently, Aquarius people are incredibly philanthropic, interested in society and very fond of connection with friends and family. How nifty! Wouldn't you know that I am a Sociology major, want to be a cop, love doing service and have always been involved in some form of it ever since I was a little girl, and even that I am quite the social butterfly who is very protective of the people she loves? While I suppose all of these things sum me up to a certain degree, it's hard to say for certain how much I buy into the whole Zodiac thing as it is defined according to astrology.

I do believe that certain people have certain qualities that they were meant to be born with or develop in their life. What I don't know is if I believe that it has anything to do with what time of year we are born or what planets were in line, etc. If I do, it is only because I believe God intended for us to be born at the time that we were and under all of the conditions, universally or otherwise, that we were. So do I believe in my Zodiac? I would say to a certain extent, yes, but my fate and purpose goes far beyond the stars.

If you are interested to learn more about Aquarius people or your sign, feel free to investigate this link: http://www.astrology.com/.

Pinterest Writing Challenge: What I Wore Today

Again, Pinterest has given me another prompt that I deem silly. That being said, I will take some creative liberty as I usually do.

So what did I wear today, Pinterest or people of the internet? Well, I wore bags and dark circles under my eyes as I woke up to work the graveyard shift at my job. I wore my work uniform to the place where I help protect the people of BYU-I, and also earn money to help support my family. I wore a smile as my dog climbed into my arms this morning for five minutes of snuggling after I pressed snooze. I wore a content look on my face because my husband took the time to fold laundry and do some chores while I slept so that it was one less thing for us to worry about. I wore a furrowed brow as I concentrated on my homework and to-do list items...all in the hopes that I'd have more time to spend with my family and friends today. I wore something comfortable along with tennis shoes so that I can attend to the variety of my day, from checking on my society's canned food drive to attending my sociology class. I wore the armor of God, as I have faith in him and how he impacts every second of my day. I wore a frown as I consider and pray for the people around the world amidst the many conflicts of today.

Most of all and most frequently throughout the day, I wore something special: my gratitude.

I am thankful to have a job, even if I have to work graveyards...it gives me experience and keeps my family financially secure. I am thankful for my husband, my puppy, our families and our friends...for their love, for their support, for their companionship, for so much it's impossible to explain it all. I'm grateful to attend a university and to be almost done with earning my Sociology degree. I am grateful for my faith and the support of God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. I am thankful that despite all the evils and conflicts of the world, you can always always always find the silver lining. You can always find beauty amidst the muck.

Pinterest Writing Challenge: My Body and How Comfortable I am With It

Wow...isn't this a loaded blog post? Let me start by saying that I believe all people are beautiful, no matter their size or what they look like, because I honestly believe beauty comes from within. On that note, I will begin.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had these weird transitions between being very skinny and then chubby. When I was a child and a teenager, I was very active. I played every sport that I could: basketball, teeball and softball, soccer, etc. In high school, I swam on the junior varsity team. That meant, every day I was in the pool kicking my butt off for at least 3 hours. When my life shifted in my junior year, I gave up all my physical activities to better pursue my service activities. I was essentially volunteering full time, especially with the American Diabetes Association. Between school, volunteering and membership in various clubs, I lost the time I had to exercise and be physically fit. I slowly began to gain weight and by the end of my senior year, I had taken part in some scary things to try to stay thin. I took diet pills, went on crash diets and more...all because I lived in a town where if you weren't rich, skinny or pretty...you weren't popular. At least, that's how I perceived it at the time. I hated the girls who were skinnier and prettier than me, and in a completely unfair way, I judged them based off of their looks because I assumed they were doing the same to me. Now, I see that my high school was less cliquey than most...and that most of my insecurities came from me, guys I dated that I now know weren't worth my time, or sometimes unfortunately my family members...no matter how good their intentions were.

Now, I am twenty three years old. I don't love my body but I accept it and I am working with it, instead of for or against it. I am comfortable enough with myself and the way I look, because I understand that who I am matters a lot more than what I see in the mirror...something I never really understood until recently. What changed? Well, a few things actually. Until I was about 22, I continued yo-yo dieting. If I worked out, I didn't do it consistently but I did it to the point of exhaustion or injury as a reaction to seeing something I hated about my body that day. When my doctor diagnosed me with pre-diabetes though, something I should have known better than to lead myself to thanks to my time volunteering with the ADA, I realized it was time to change. Early this year, I joined a program with the school called The Biggest Winner (loosely based on the TV show, The Biggest Loser but without all the bad stuff like forced smoking, starvation, etc.). I was really committed but unfortunately got injured early in the program and was never able to get what I wanted out of it. However, I did learn some valuable knowledge about nutrition and fitness that I will use for the rest of my life. Finally, I heard about this nutrition plan called Trim Healthy Mama, and this health company called Beachbody. I will spare the details unless you want them (if so, message me), but these programs really have started transitioning me into a healthy lifestyle. I now know that health is about the journey and all through life. Temporary diets and crazy boot camps can only do so much good, if you don't learn to maintain it and more realistically. More importantly, I learned that I want to be healthy for more important reasons than being thin, like sticking around for my husband and future children. Finally, thanks to the help of my Beachbody coach and cousin through Parker's side of the family, I finally learned something that could have helped a lot in high school. I was judging myself for my size and my body defects a lot more than anyone else was. At first, I looked at this woman like "How the heck is she still so fit when she's pregnant?". I will admit that I was a tad bit uncomfortable to share my weight and other statistics with someone who looked pretty perfect on Facebook. However, I learned that she is one of the nicest and most helpful people I have ever had contact with...especially contact about my body. I am learning now more than ever not to judge a book by its cover, because she sure didn't judge me and has continued to help me in my journey.

Also, on a brief note, I want to stress the importance of surrounding yourself with people who love you for you. My husband doesn't care what size my clothes are, or that I have lovehandles. My body isn't what he loves me for, although he'll tell you he still thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world inside and out. My real friends don't care what I weigh. They're not my friends because of a number on a scale or clothing rack. Real relationships are not perceptive of looks...only on what's in your heart and soul. So if you're dating someone or friends with people, like I was in the past, who makes you feel like you're less of a person based on some outward characteristic, dump them faster than a load at the local Goodwill...because they are not worth your self-esteem or the love you have for yourself.

For an added bonus, check out the song "Try" by Colbie Caillat. It has certainly gotten me through some tough moments and some harsh self-criticism. This particular video is a clip from Dancing with the Stars that brought me to tears with the beauty of the dance and the dancer's exposed emotions:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocZs-rUfCgg.

Pinterest Writing Challenges: Five Things that Make my Husband Attractive to Me

This week, the prompt was to write about five guys I find attractive. Um...no. While I do find other men attractive because I am a human being and know that it is normal to react to what society deems an attractive male, that attraction doesn't matter to me and therefore I have no reason to write about it. I am a happily married woman, after all, and have no business making my husband feel insecure because I am drooling over 5 random men in a blog post. Instead, this blog post will be about the five things that make my husband the most attractive man in the infinite universe to me. 

5. His Looks and Physical Properties

I honestly think that my husband is one of the cutest people on Earth. He has gorgeous hazel eyes, strong forearms, and has a great body...for cuddling! Plus, who could forget that smile/smirk thing he's got going on!

4. His Adorable "Quirks"

One of the things that I have found in my marriage is that truly loving someone means loving ALL of them, even what other people would determine flaws or quirks. I love that my husband is dopey when he's tired, that he can never replace the toilet paper roll and even that his best cooking dish is Top Ramen. Why? Because all of those things are a part of the beautiful life that we have together. 

3. His Personality

If you have met my husband, then you know he is quite the character. He is artistic, kind, loyal and giving. He is so funny sometimes that we have had one too many milk-out-the-nose or water-spit-take moments. He is nerdy to the extreme. He loves and forgives like I have not seen on any other person. He truly is a wonderful guy. 

2. His Love for God

Today, my husband and I were reading a bit out of a question book for married couples. The question of the day was "Who has influenced you the most spiritually (other than God or Jesus Christ)?" My first thought was instantly of my husband. Without him, I can honestly say I would not be where I am today. I would not have the testimony I have, the service opportunities I have taken, or the education that I am finishing up at BYU-I. He encourages me daily through his example, and also through keeping our family on track with scripture reading, family prayers and church attendance. 

1. How He Treats Me

My husband treats me like a princess, honestly. It is shown in all the little things he does for me, from love notes found on my pillow or on the whiteboard to keeping up on the chores and meal prep when my life gets a little too hectic with work or school. It is shown in how we have weekly date nights, and consider the best time of our day to be curling up for a show or book reading time. Simply being around him makes me feel better (99% of the time. I won't pretend our marriage is perfect, but whose is?). He is truly so thoughtful when it comes to me, and I honestly don't give him enough credit...so hopefully this post helps him to know all of those things I forget to say sometimes. 

Writing Challenge: My Family

Oh boy, I don't think the internet has enough room for me to go into too much detail concerning my family. As my family and close friends know, my family can be very complicated. There have been write-offs, changes of religion, and a host of not-so-good stuff that I will not divulge on the internet. However, those family members who do still remain in my life are strong and amazing people that I love dearly. I also am a firm believer in friends being the family you get to choose. I won't comment on them here though as I think I spotted a blog prompting about friends on my challenge list. Therefore, I will go into my family tree a bit, but understand some stuff stays private and some people are omitted for various reasons. Yes, news flash, you don't have to put your whole life story online for the world to see, even if you do have a blog. Just kidding, but not really... Basically, to know those intimate details of my family, requires a lot of time spent together, a lot of trust and an in-person conversation. I guess I'm "old school" like that (seriously, I need a sarcasm font).

I consider the head of my maternal family to be my great-great grandfather, Frank Gallegher. I am named after both him and his daughter, Dolores Gallegher Tuter. To be a Gallegher means lots of things but I am proud to carry the namesake. Frank was a hero of sorts, dying in a house fire after he helped rescue some people. He had several children but the only one I really know and that was really a part of my life was Dolores. Dolores was/is my great grandmother, but we shared a special bond. She helped raise me while my mother was in college and also working full time. She was a stubborn, tough woman who I consider some of my best and a few of my worst qualities to be inherited from. Dolores had two children with a man named Jack, whom I never knew. One was my grandmother, Frankie. The other was my great-aunt, Terry. Frankie is a very unconventional grandmother, but she can be a lot of fun! We have some of the best memories together including repeat viewings of Lion King and Scooby Doo, while eating salted apples (it's delicious, just trust me). Frankie taught me about a lot and stood by me always... and I can honestly say I wouldn't be the cook I am today without her help (Again, I really wish there were humor and sarcasm fonts...). Terry is a very fun aunt who I love spending time with. She is a great person to just talk to and she tells it like it is! She and my Uncle Jeff (who makes the best cherry pie in all the world and calls me Katelander) had two boys, named Justin and Ryan. When we were kids, Justin and I were closer and Ryan and I loved to fight. I have fond memories of both of them throughout my childhood, as we are closer in age than my mom and they are, despite the fact that we are technically second cousins. I remember riding on the pegs of Justin's bike and watching movies with him and my mom every Friday night. I remember sumo wresting with Ryan, and who could forget putting lipstick on him as he napped or the great pie fight of Thanksgiving? Frankie had my mom, Tonya. My mom is a lot of things, but words can't describe how much she has sacrificed for me or all the things we have been through. She can be really funny, is a die-hard sports fan, and I am so much like her at times that it causes us to butt heads but I love my mom as much as any daughter ever has. My mom had me, and then my two siblings, Kiera and Noah. I was 12 when Kiera was born, and 14 when Noah was. I love my siblings in a way I think a lot of siblings don't get to experience. I helped teach them how to read, swim and use manners. I took two years off of college to homeschool and help care for them as my mom worked as a traveling nurse. I vividly remember when both of them were born, and all of the experiences since. Kiera is a strong-headed, beautiful, sassy dancer with a heart of gold when it comes to animals! Noah is a nerdy, talented and sporty All-American boy who can be so helpful and compassionate. They are both like me and not like me in a lot of ways, but we always have the best time together! Then, I can't go without creating a special shout-out for my one and only Aunt Laurel! My Aunt Laurel is a really cool chick, who served in the U.S. Navy, never let me give her any lip and yet somehow always spoiled me rotten. There are others on my mom's side of the family but to talk about all of them would take days! All I can say is that I love all of the family who has chosen to stick around, even when the going got tough.

On my paternal side, things are a little more complicated. My parents married when they were very young, and both served in the army in Germany, which is where I was born. My father and I are not very close but I know he tried for many years and did the best he knew how to when he was in my life. His parents, my Grandma Ida and Papa, were beautiful people with the voices of angels! One of my most prized possessions is a CD of them singing. It has comforted me many a time. I don't have a lot of memories of them, as they both passed when I was very young, but their kindness and faith left lasting impressions on me. Then, there is my Uncle Brian and Aunt Mickie. These two have always served as some of my biggest role models! My aunt is kind, patient and loving in a way that you just don't see too much of anymore. She holds a special place in my heart, as someone whom I know has loved me unconditionally since the day I was born. I truly think that, if I can end up being half the woman she is and love even half as fully as she does, my life will be truly blessed (I actually just teared up as I wrote that...). My uncle stepped up in a lot of roles for me, and words can not express how grateful I am for him, all of his goofiness included. They have five beautiful children, all of whom I love and respect greatly. They are some of the most talented, most faithful, and kindest people I have ever met. My aunt's family, be it her mother, sister, or father always welcomed me in with open arms and hearts...I am forever grateful for that and honored to know them. Again, there are many others on this side of the family...some I didn't know very well, some I didn't know at all, but the blessing in disguise here is that the family I do know and have a relationship with is even more precious and cherished to me.

Overall, I just hope to make my family proud. I hope to be there for them in all the ways those who have, have always been there for me. I will end with one of my favorite quotes of all time. Jim Butcher said, through writing in his amazing series The Dresden Files, "I don't care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching, they are your family."

Writing Challenge: Shuffle Music Challenge

This week's challenge is pretty cool, I think. I love music and have one of the most warped music collections on Earth, in my opinion, so I'm excited to see what 10 songs come up! I'm going to break a rule though: I'm only going to do 7 because it's my lucky number and because I don't want this post to feel like a novella. I will also be breaking a rule in that it won't be just the first ten songs, because I will skip any artist I have already covered. The challenge didn't call for this but I'll tell you a little about each song to keep this post more interesting (hopefully). Here we go!

1. "Better" by Tyler Ward (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khfrZbnbDug).

• Favorite Lyric: "So I'll blame it on my optimistic heart; at least I'll have stories for my scars. American Dream my life away, when all of my dreams cry: Mayday, Mayday!"
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: Tyler Ward started out on YouTube doing covers (you should  check him out- I love how he makes the songs cleaner), but this song is an original! I also love the video so please check it out if you're in the mood to have your spirit lifted!
• Favorite Song by Artist: "Dashes". It's another original and it's just beautiful!
• Reason I Love THIS Song: This song talks about optimism even while being lost...that speaks to me because I wish that I could keep more of a positive outlook, even when life gets rough.

2. "Travelin' Soldier" by Dixie Chicks (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXw3XhlmTcs). 

• Favorite Lyric: "He told her of his heart, it might be love and all of the things he was so scared of. He said when it's getting kinda rough over here, I think of that day sitting down at the pier and I close my eyes and see your pretty smile."
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: Dixie Chicks kind of started this cool genre, called alternative genre. I'm all for genre mixing and love it almost as much as I love mashups!
• Favorite Song by Artist: "Cowboy Take Me Away." It's a beautiful song about finding peace with nature and the person you love, about appreciating the simple things in life and escaping the craziness that can be society. 
• Reason I Love THIS Song: This song is just a beautiful tribute to love and loss. It's heartbreaking in a very real way. 

3. "More than a Band" by Lemonade Mouth (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkNWlmEJDfI).

• Favorite Lyric: "I can't pretend to know how you feel, but know that I'm here. Know that I'm real. Say what you want or don't talk to at all. I'm not gonna let you fall. Reach for my hand 'cause it's held out for you. My shoulders are small but you can cry on them, too."
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: Lemonade Mouth actually is from a Disney Channel original movie that my little sister Kiera showed me. At first, I just loved that she was listening to something that wasn't from Miley Cyrus or some other less desirable role model. Then, as I watched the movie with her, I realized Disney had kind of gone old school and included some really good messages. I encourage you to check it out if you liked the Disney Channel original movies from around the time I was a kid (90s and early 2000s). 
• Favorite Song by Artist: "She's So Gone"...a song about the changes that a girl goes through after she goes through something hurtful like a breakup. I've identified with it more than once.
• Reason I Love THIS song: It's a great song about friendship that can be applied to all relationships, even if you're not in a band together (you can't see but I'm sticking my tongue out). 

4. "Marry You" by Bruno Mars (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xdyRsGOl6U).

• Favorite Lyric: "Is it that look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice? Who cares, baby? I think I wanna marry you."
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: The song is widely used in flashmob or lip sync marriage proposals! Check out more videos on YouTube!
• Favorite Song by Artist: "Just the Way You Are." It's just an amazing song that I think describes the way every girl wants a guy to feel about her. 
• Reason I Love THIS Song: I love how it illustrates the fun of being in love and that excitement that comes with knowing that person may be or definitely is the one!

5. "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8)

• Favorite Lyric: "Well maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending. Someday, somehow, you'll see."
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: Josh Wilson is a Christian artist so all of his songs are clean and have a spiritual message!
• Favorite Song by Artist: THIS ONE!
• Reason I Love THIS song: I love how it talks about trials and the Savior's plan for us. I heard this song for the first time as I was falling asleep in my cousins' room. I was going through a very hard time and yet this song allowed God to place some hope in my heart. Savannah and Sierra, thank you for showing me the beauty of this song, this artist and the genre overall!

6. "I Can Still Feel You" by Collin Raye (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvReRQE9Yzk)

• Favorite Lyric: "There's a place you've touched with your love no one gets close to."
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: Collin Raye was originally known as Bubba Wray and was in a band with his brother (keeping it in the family is pretty cool!). 
• Favorite Song by Artist: THIS ONE!
• Reason I Love THIS song: When Parker and I were in a long distance relationship, this was one of many songs that described how I was feeling in ways I didn't know how to. This song specifically said nobody could ever take Parker's place and also described that weird feeling about how I always felt him with me. 

7. "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJCsyLUCSXI).

• Favorite Lyric: "Fall, with you I fall so fast. I can hardly catch my breath. I hope it lasts.Oh, it seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels. Oh, it's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself."
• Cool Fact about Artist or Song: Ashlee Simpson is the younger sister to famous actress and singer Jessica Simpson, whom I also like!
• Favorite Song by Artist: THIS ONE!
• Reason I Love THIS song: For me, this song came to be more than just a fun song when I realized Parker wasn't going anywhere. I'd hear this song and be like "This is what I'm feeling, I think this is what love is supposed to feel like."

Writing Challenges: How Important I Think Education Is

I am one of those people who just love to learn. I strive to learn something new every day. The thing I learned most recently is that there are giant arrows on the ground all over the United States that used to be for directing air traffic (it's kind of cool actually, look it up!).

Therefore, I can honestly tell you that I think education is very important so long as the point of that education is to learn, teach and be taught. I have the greatest respect for teachers who don't treat their students like their just a check mark, but rather as a person who has so much to learn. The teachers who actually teach are the best!

Ever since I was a little girl (and got past the nerves of the first day of kindergarten...we've all been there, right?), I have loved to go to school. I love enhancing my knowledge and often have animated discussions with my husband after every college class I attend about what information I gathered in that time (and he even pretends to be interested, what a great husband :P).

I don't really know what else to say without being redundant so I will end with this final thought. Without education of some kind (I don't care if you're homeschooled, public schooled, private schooled, or self-taught), we do not learn as much...Without learning and acquiring knowledge, we could be in danger of ignorance and ignorance breeds all sorts of awful things...so seek to learn every day and keep being awesome, followers!

Completely random side note: Next week, I plan on starting my new blog, "Concert Diaries of a Girl Found in Music." Let me know if you'd like to know about updates for it!

What I Ate Today (Both Literally and Figuratively)

Today, as it is only 10:05AM as I write this, I have eaten two small and very healthy, apple pie-flavored muffins. They were homemade by yours truly with ingredients like oat flour, Greek yogurt and you guessed it, apples. However, I tell My Fitness Pal every day what I have to eat and it usually yells at me to eat more protein or something to that effect.

Therefore, today I want to write about how I figuratively ate crow. The expression apparently originated in 1812 when an American soldier shot a crow out  of the sky. A British soldier caught him, and despite complimenting him on his skill as a marksman, punished the American for killing the creature by making him eat the crow. It was apparently quite unpalatable (Atlanta Constitution article, 1888). Nowadays, the idiom of eating crow means to admit when you were wrong...and I have some things to admit to.

I started off my evening in Salt Lake City with two very good friends and my sister-in-law at a Tyler Ward concert (seriously, check him out on YouTube...he's fantastic). I expected an evening of light and easy fun. I joked about how cute the singer was. The whole time I ignored a situation with a friend that was just easier not to talk about or deal with.

Well, this amazing thing happened where Tyler's power supplies wouldn't work. It totally threw off his whole set but instead of postponing or cancelling the show, he rolled with the punches and decided to play acoustically. As a lot of Tyler's set depended on the power, he had some time to play around with. Somehow, he decided to bare his soul to us...and I am so glad he did. He talked about some regrets he had, some battles he had fought, and the power of God to help us get through such situations. He invited the crowd to reflect on themselves and their lives, and to determine if there was anything we needed to let go of. If we did, he asked that we get a pen and paper, that we write down that/those thing/s, and that we put it in a box just outside the venue. He promised he would burn them at his next show as a symbol of our letting those things go. Always game for such challenges, I pulled out a pad of Mickey Mouse stationery and my friend pulled out a pen. I first passed the supplies to my dear sister-in-law so that I could think for a minute. Then, I knew...I knew what I needed to let go of: hate, insecurities, and grudges. I filled out the paper and then decided to share with the crowd (side note: it was a really cool experience to pass out a pad with almost 100 pieces of paper and see the remaining 3 pages on a table at the end of the night).

As I held that paper in my hand and listened to Tyler and the crowd sing, I anxiously waited to drop it in the box at the end of the night. That's when I realized how much I had weighing on me. The way I saw it, I had three major problems outside of the normal stresses of life (e.g. school, work, household/church/social responsibilities).

1. I had made my sweet and wonderful husband feel insecure by talking about Tyler Ward.
2. I was holding on to a lot of grudges, and not taking accountability to make things better.
3. I was shutting out a friend because he had made me feel betrayed, insecure, and vulnerable.

So, let's address things one at a time as too much crow at once could kill a girl. First, my awesome and amazing husband... I have this problem and I honestly think a lot of women do where when we see a very handsome man, we comment on it...no matter who's around. Irresponsibly, I had made my husband feel jealous of this person I was going to see perform. Fangirls (and fanboys, sometimes) say a lot of things about the unattainable celebrity and everything they love about them...when the truth is, we don't know that person at all. I will tell you that Tyler Ward was not the cookie cutter musician type I had him pegged for. He has admirable story and an inspiring testimony of the Lord. He is far more than some flippy hair and the ability to play the guitar. For him and the world to know, I love my husband more than words can describe. Every love song I have ever heard somehow reminds me of him...and the best ones could have been written about us. I was wrong to discuss another man, even a somewhat celebrity, in a way that made my husband feel insecure...because the truth is, at the end of the night, the only person's cuteness that I care about is my husband's. He is the only man that I want forever. He is the only man that I want period, in all honesty. So girls, please don't make the mistake I did...make sure your husbands/boyfriends know they always come first, when it comes to your heart or anything else for that matter.

Okay, one helping of crow down and two more to go. So let's talk about my second of all... It's no secret that I've faced a lot of disappointment and regret in my life. Who hasn't? However, I made the mistake of even temporarily letting those things and those events define me. You know what else I've had a lot of in my life? Happiness. Love. Acceptance. Forgiveness. It's time to focus on the brighter things....because I'd rather be able to blame my behavior on my optimistic heart than my pessimistic brain. I mean, just think about how different the outcome would be. We all live with insecurities. They will sometimes rear their ugly heads...but I won't let that define me anymore. I am not my insecurities. I am the strength that I gained from overcoming them...and so are you.

This last serving of crow seems to be the most raw. I had a friend, who shall remain nameless, that had what essentially amounted to a hate file about me. When I saw it on his computer and read it, it broke my heart. I could feel the metaphorical knife slipping in to my back. Then, to make matters worse, he lied to me about it in that really obvious way that you know there's no way what that person is saying could be true. Then, to top it all off, he attempted to place the blame on my husband. While none of that was okay, and it really wasn't, neither was my reaction. As quickly as you can meet someone, I cut him out of my life without even allowing him to explain himself. It was a deleted Facebook friendship, an order to not speak to me or my husband, and hours of venting later that I recognized what I was feeling...it was the bubbles of the poison that is hate beginning to intoxicate me. Rather than recognize my wrongdoing, I decided to shut down instead. It's far easier to be a shoulder for your best friend and husband to cry on if you don't allow yourself to feel anything (yes, it is possible...easy even...it's turning everything back on that is the most painful and the most difficult). It's far easier to go to class and to work if you pretend it doesn't bother you that you were feeling like your spleen just got ripped out. Then, my husband texted me a message: Proverbs 17:17. It says, in a more updated form of speaking: "A friend is loving at all times, and becomes a brother in times of trouble." While my friend should have addressed his concerns out of love instead of hiding them for whatever reason....while he shouldn't have lied....while he should have taken accountability instead of playing the blame game....I ran. In times of trouble, when I was meant to become his sister, I ran because I was hurt. I was scared. I was more protective over my other friend/his wife, and my husband. I left him alone, and without love. This...this act of returned betrayal...coming from me, the girl who spouts off random quotes all the time like "Friends are the family you get to choose." I made it my motto and I abandoned myself to hide.

Today, I let that go. When Tyler burns that slip of paper I dropped into a box, it will really only be a symbol for what I have already let go. I ate my crow...I admitted my wrong. Now, I focus on a brighter tomorrow and making things better. I decide what defines me, and I choose words like love and family, not insecurity and betrayal.

Five Pet Peeves

Boy, it sure has been a long time since I got on here to write. For those interested, I had a lovely 7 week break with my mother, stepfather and siblings in PA. Now, it's back with nose to the grindstone for fall semester...starting tomorrow. However, I have decided that I will commit to a blog every Sunday. For now, I will still be sticking with challenges, which brings us to....pet peeves, ta da!


Pet peeves are an interesting concept. An old acquaintance of mine pointed out the other day that pet peeves are literally being described as our cherished annoyances. As I do not cherish the idea of being annoyed, I will be listing these pet peeves of mine in order from least annoyance to most annoyance and not least cherished to most cherished.


5. Being a walking, talking mess.
Okay, so this is the lesser of my pet peeves but it is still in the top 5 because...well, let's just say that my friends have diagnosed me (jokingly) as having OCD...including a friend who probably really does have OCD. I can't stand messes. I can't stand disorder. I am the organizing queen, and if somehow I have let my apartment go without a good cleaning for too long, I just won't go home until it's livable again (luckily, I have a very nice husband who picks up my slack). However, at the uppermost pinpoint of this pet peeve are people who come into my clean or organized space and make a mess out of it. It's bad enough when I'm the one to blame...you see, I'm not very nice to myself if my DVDs aren't ordered by genre or if the couch doesn't smell like flowers. Therefore, it is very hard to remain calm when I find the after remnants of a guest to be pluckings from my feather pillows, trash not in the trash can, etc. It's not to say that to be a guest in my home you have to be like me. Of course not. If the whole world were like me, there would be ZERO messes...and messes can be turned into things like art. It's just that I would love for you to use a coaster and remove your shoes. In all seriousness, even if you leave rings on my furniture or break something, I still love you. I just may need to go to my happy place for a while. Ah, the mind vacations I take to the Bahamas.

4. Being so cheap that you either end up a mooch or a recluse.So, I have this thing where I like to organize get togethers and parties. For those of you who have seen the hit sitcom Friends, my lovely buddies call me "the Monica." I am all about Pinterest, and movie nights, and organized events. I am all about Friendsgiving, White Elephant Christmas parties, and ringing the New Year in with streamers, confetti, and kisses. In order to fulfill my craving for a good, well-organized time so frequently, I usually ask people to chip in with food or monetary contributions. We like to go Dutch when we go out with our friends, etcetera etcetera. What gets under my collar here is when someone will specifically not go out or join the party because they don't want to contribute. Now, myself and a lot of my friends are college students so I'm not talking about those hard times we all have between paychecks where we can't contribute. I always back my friends in those situations if I can, and they do the same for me. I'm talking about having the money and wanting to go, but not wanting to spend your money. Everyone likes to treat each other now and again, including me. However, this is not the automatic norm and friends should not expect other friends to foot all their social bills. Neither should family members. Or freaky vampires that sparkle. Okay, even I don't know where that last one came from. It's 3:54 in the morning and I'm still at work so....yeah.

3. Entitlement.Now, when I use the word entitlement, I'm not talking about money again. I'm talking about time, resources, faith, kindness, and the list goes on and on. One of the biggest things that irks me is when people just feel that the world owes them everything. I was raised to work hard for what I wanted, and if I wanted nice things, I had better ensure that I was successful. I was raised to volunteer, network and not find myself above anybody else, any job, etc. The world owes us nothing. We owe the world. God owes us nothing, but has given us everything. We owe God...we owe Him service, love, and so much more. Please do not be the kind of person who throws fits to get your way. Please do not be the kind of person who curses their family, friends or Heavenly Father because something didn't quite go down the path you wanted it to. Instead, cherish each trial as a lesson to become a better person. See hard work and diligence as ways to truly earn what you want and what you have. Don't take the easy road out. Don't let everyone else do it for you. Take accountability. Don't take a pill to lose weight and put all your faith into some money-back guarantee. Work for yourself by eating healthily, engaging in fitness activities, and treating your body better. Don't waste all your money on things you don't need and then just hope that you can borrow the money to pay your rent or car insurance. Use a budget and save. You are worth the investment.

2. Being fake.I feel like this goes without saying. Doesn't everyone have a pet peeve about things or people not being what they pretend to be? Just be who you are, okay? The right people will love you, no matter what flaws you think you have. Nobody is perfect. Doesn't everyone dislike when someone plays nice to your face but goes behind your back in attempts to destroy you? If you have a problem with someone, tell them. Work it out. In the end, revenge or spite will only lead to sorrow. Choose not to let gossip and hateful feelings control you. Instead, choose to spread amity. Choose to be an example of integrity. Choose to be real and honest, no matter how raw that reality may be.


1. Lack of etiquette, manners or just plain kindness.

Okay, so the number 1 thing that gets under my skin is this. Don't be rude just to be rude. Say please, thank you, and you're welcome. RSVP to a party when the invitation asks you to. Use R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Taking the time to use etiquette, manners, and kindness shows that you value your relationship with that person...whether it be a friendship, a marriage, a family relation, or a professional relationship. Failing to do so leads to the opposite, in which the other person feels underappreciated, ignored or not worth your time.




Okay, phew. That was a lot of negativity. I would like to end on a positive note. "Don't get discouraged. Things WILL work out."- Gordon B. Hinckley. No matter what, my husband always tells me "everything is going to be okay" and you know what? In one way or another, he's right. You will go on to another day, so why not fill that day with kindness, honesty, love, and respect?

My Views on Mainstream Music (Pinterest 30 Day Challenge- Day #6)

Not going to lie, I had to Google what mainstream music was to make sure I was right. It's finals week so have pity on me, okay?

Okay, so mainstream music is like Top 40 music. I'd be lying if I said that I don't fall into the trap of the new catchy single of the week, but they're not all winners.

Justin Bieber? Can't stand him. Carly Rae Jepsen? A few of her songs are all right. Taylor Swift? Lately, I end up hating her songs at first and then falling in love with them within a week.

Therefore, I'd have to say that my views depend on the song or the artist. Lyrics are really important to me, so if a song doesn't have a message that I agree with or if it's too repetitive, it's generally not my favorite.

Honestly, I like all kinds of music from Queen to Beyonce to Carrie Underwood so if it's a good song or a good artist in general, I'm in.

That being said, I'm going on a road trip next week and would love your musical recommendations!